I wish that I had more to say sometimes. I feel inadequate and stupid today. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I was happy all of the time instead of mostly miserable. I wish that I had the upper hand. Sometimes I look at myself and want to cry because I don't know who I am. I don't have much to show for much of anything. I just want to fast-forward time, but then I'd be close to dying and that's my biggest fear. I guess I just have to bear through it. I am starting to hate people that I don't really hate. I'm fucking sick of everyone. I hate living with these people. I just want it to me and Robby. I fucking can't stand this. I feel like I'm going to snap. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Fuck it!

Sometimes I just want my own space, that's all mine, that no one can enter. I want space to write and listen to whatever I want, and read and sleep. I want a tiny room with a beanbag and a desk and chair and computer. That's all that I need. 

I can't write with a million people talking and I foolishly lent my iPod out.

Maybe I don't have anything to write anyway? I'm not entirely sure. When you ask me what I do, how I'm doing, what my life is like, you're not going to get much. I live with my boyfriend and our three roommates, I work short shifts at Old Navy three to four days a week, and I'm bored out of my fucking mind. I keep looking for the optimism and I can't find it.

I've come to the conclusion that I have absolutely nothing to say to anyone about anything. I'm a complete idiot, and I have no bearing anywhere. No one cares what I say. Even Robby ignores me most of the time. I want leverage. I want a job that I LIKE that pays well. I want to write things that I can be proud of, that other people are proud of. I want to make a difference in someone's life.

Maybe I'll try to come up with something to say. But first, let me just say how annoying it is that my boyfriend just left me here with nothing to do and no one to talk to. I can't smoke pot .I can't drink. I can't do a fucking thing. Never mind. I have nothing to say. I'm just going to bed.

Things have become quieter and calmer now that she's out of our lives. I'm still fearful, but much calmer regardless.

Old Navy hired me permanently. Go me. Too bad the most hours I'll get is around 12 a week, because our economy is so SHOT. I'm grateful regardless.

I thought I had more to say and I guess I just don't.

Pretty, pretty lights.

Hi, Help. Bye.


I'm afraid. I'm too anxious. I want to punch people in the face. The sun goes down so early now.

You can't be in love with two people at once, so who is going to be? Am I playing the fool? Am I going to get my heart broken? I have become a Marissa. 


It hurts so bad that you had to step away from ME?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me? A kiss? A kiss? All my biggest fears could come true at any fucking moment and then what will I do? Every goddamn time I feel like everything is going to be alright, I get jolted. Electricity just comes out and fucking stabs me in the stomach. If you miss her so fucking much than GO BACK TO HER. If you HURT SO BAD that you have to back away from me, then get out of my life. I want you, all of you, not part of you. I am not sharing someone that I am absolutely heart and soul in love with. I absolutely refuse. I know that I could never be her? Your love isn't worth shit.










I don't know how to handle this. I should've stayed single. I never should've let myself think that... I don't know what I thought. I should've known getting into this relationship that it was a BAD idea. I'm going to fucking lose everything and there's nothing I can do about it. My heart is cracked, and everyday it spreads. Pretty soon, there will be nothing left.